There’s an old saying that goes, “Be silent or say something better than silence”. It’s a perfect phrase to remember when we feel frustrated by our children’s behavior. If we don’t have something constructive to say and are about to lose our cool, it’s better to take a deep breath and just stay quiet.
By getting angry, sending guilt messages, nagging, or withholding affection, we don’t solve conflicts. Instead, we often create additional difficulties and resistance. This is because our reactive behaviors:
- Shift the child’s focus away from the real problem. Instead of thinking, “I need to correct my behavior,” the child is more likely to think, “Mom is so unfair” or “Dad is so crazy.”
- Stir up anger and resentment in the child, rather than the feeling of sadness that can lead to genuine change.
- Place the burden of correcting the behavior on us, instead of on the child where it belongs.
- Show the child that we have low expectations for their ability to behave maturely.
While these psychological pressures might sometimes force a child to comply in the short term, they don’t motivate a child to make true, long-term changes. Worse, they teach children that anger is an acceptable way to respond when things don’t go their way. These reactions show a child that we are at a loss for how to handle the situation.
So, instead of responding impulsively, let’s come up with a plan for the next time we find ourselves in the same situation. In that moment, there is no need to say anything at all. In the meantime, you can make a plan to be the adult your child needs.
I help parents make the plan. — Pepa W