As a parent coach, I know I often challenge you to consider making significant changes at home. It’s essential to remember a key truth: children aren’t born with a full set of emotional and social skills. They don’t have the innate ability to control impulses, delay gratification, or motivate themselves to do homework or chores.
These are abilities children must learn and practice over time. Many misbehaviors are simply a symptom of these underdeveloped skills. It can take years to nurture these character traits, and the way we parent has a profound influence on the outcome. Raising children is a journey of growth for both them and us, as we may still be working on some of these skills ourselves.
It takes time to become the parents we want to be. This journey requires self-evaluation and a willingness to make difficult decisions, especially when faced with conflicts or personal challenges.
The Adult’s Responsibility to Change
When the parent-child relationship is struggling, it’s vital to recognize that a child lacks the emotional and intellectual maturity to initiate significant change. That responsibility lies squarely with the adult.
Often, our parenting struggles come from old emotional and behavioral habits we unconsciously picked up over the years. To improve our family relationships, we must be willing to change these habits—our attitudes, behaviors, and even our daily routines.
Parents are often ambivalent about making these changes. It’s not always resistance, but a feeling of being torn between the pros and cons. To move forward, you must:
- Evaluate the importance of the change.
- Create a clear plan based on your vision for your family.
- Find the support you need to follow through.
Children, on the other hand, are more likely to be resistant. We can’t expect them to understand the need for change in the same way an adult does.
It’s Easier to Start Than to Fix
Change involves two key steps: first, understanding what needs to change, and second, having the ability and desire to make that change. Both of these steps take time.
Instilling healthy habits in young children is far easier than changing bad ones that have already taken root, such as:
- Bad manners or a lack of boundaries.
- Unhealthy eating or sleeping habits.
- Addiction to electronics.
- A lack of discipline with chores or schoolwork.
When you don’t like what you see at home, you must be the one to make the first move. Commit to the necessary changes and be prepared for your child’s reaction. As John Rosemond says, “The worst parenting approach is to keep doing what isn’t working.”
Progress may be slow or seem nonexistent at times, but remember that persistence and practice can make a tremendous difference in achieving a happier, healthier family life.