All children experience fears and worries at some point, and these change with their age. Imagine your daughter comes to you crying because she’s afraid to be alone in her room. Do you know how to respond effectively?
Parents often react in ways that, although well-intentioned, don’t help to calm them down.
Responses That Don’t Work
- Minimizing their fear: “There’s nothing in your room, don’t worry!” or “Girls your age don’t get scared anymore!” This is not an ideal response because, for her, the fear is very real. If we dismiss it, she’ll feel like we’re not listening.
- Trying to convince them with logic: “Let me explain why you don’t have to be afraid…” It’s likely you won’t succeed. While she’s scared, her emotional brain is active, and she won’t be receptive to a rational explanation.
- Getting infected by their fear: “That’s terrible, that’s a problem! What are we going to do?!” If we get scared or angry, we put them in an even more vulnerable situation. By losing our calm, we validate that their worry is real and confirm their fears.
Listen, Validate, and Reassure
The best way to respond is with an approach that combines empathy, firmness, and calm. An example of how to respond to your daughter could be:
“I can see you’re very scared. Come here and I’ll give you a hug. You know, when I was little, I also used to get scared sometimes. That’s normal, but you should be calm because you are safe in your room. It’s just your things and your toys.”
After listening, hug her. Validate what she feels, but at the same time, convey the calmness that she’s in a safe place. Some good ideas are:
- Offer a distraction: “Look at this book, should we read it together?”
- Stay nearby: Stay in the room for a while, but not so long that you reinforce her fear.
The key is to listen with empathy, validate her emotions, and, above all, provide the security she needs to overcome her fear.
See if it works for you. Pepa