College admissions counselor William Singer was at the center of what the Justice Department called the largest college admissions prosecution ever. This scandal, which led to the arrest of dozens of parents, revealed a painful truth: it showed just how far some parents are willing to go to “help” their children get into a prestigious college. Mr. Singer simply saw an opportunity to make a big business out of it.
I’ve heard many different reactions to this news, most of them focused on the parents and the system. However, as a parent who has personally experienced the stressful application process, my heart goes out to the kids involved. They were given everything, but when it came time to face a real challenge, their parents took it on as a personal matter. The heartbreaking message beneath this behavior is: “We don’t believe in you; we must take care of your education because you aren’t capable of doing it yourself.”
These kids probably never had the chance to say what they wanted or to prove what they could truly achieve.
From Rattles to Car Keys: The Importance of Autonomy
This parenting style doesn’t start the day they meet a college counselor. It begins much earlier. The internal battle between protecting our children and letting go is a real struggle for all parents. We have a natural tendency to want to make our children’s lives easier, to clear obstacles from their path, and to save them from frustration.
But despite our fears, it is wise not to do too much for our kids—just enough to show them how to do things, get them started, and keep them motivated. It begins by giving them the opportunity to grab the rattle by themselves, then the blanket, then the spoon. Soon, they’ll be able to prepare their own backpacks and take care of their own things. Before you know it, they’ll be asking for the car keys.
The Big Lesson
It’s not always easy to let go and trust that they can do things on their own, but they are capable of so much more than we like to admit! By trusting in their abilities, we send a powerful message: “You don’t need me; I know you can do this on your own.” This is the true meaning of self-esteem and self-accomplishment. With our unconditional support and their own determination, they can overcome the many challenges that life brings. The college admissions process is just one of them.
As Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich wrote in their March 2019 article on “The unstoppable snowplow parenting” in The New York Times: “Denying children the lesson in dealing with roadblocks takes a toll in adulthood. The point is to prepare the kid for the road, not vice versa.” It is a must-read!
It is a must read!. PEPA